I accidentally had phone sex last night
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
