..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
