we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Randomize
