I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
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