The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Randomize
