is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Randomize
