I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Randomize
