Black lace...the rest is up to ur imagination
I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
