I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just googled if crying burns calories
You took a bar mat shot.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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