We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
