My cat gives me a boner
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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