Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
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