Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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