One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
