haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
