ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
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