I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Randomize
