I'm so fucking centered right now
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
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