hotel room ftw
So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
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