Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Randomize
