I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
