I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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