Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
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