I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
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