on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
