Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
