after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
Send help, water and tortillas.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize
