You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
