my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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