: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
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