I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
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