Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Randomize
