I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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