This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Randomize
