oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize
