You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
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