I could make wine with my vomit
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
