I think I died a long time ago.
I seem to have left my pride at pride
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
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