I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
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Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
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I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
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