I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
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