you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
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She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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