I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Randomize
