i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
