I molested 6 butterflies tonight
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Randomize
