I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
