fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
yea..i want to get out of new york for a bit too but for the love of god not to new jersey. that's like getting tired of the stripclub and getting yourself a toothless prostitute.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
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