I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
