very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
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