Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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