Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
