...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
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