got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
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